Labels this holiday season have done their best to convince me that their products are softer, larger, smell fresher, taste better, or last longer. It seems that manufacturers, like the rest of us, live in a constant state of self-improvement with varying degrees of success.
Behind door number 19 you’ll find more words with even better punctuation.
December 19, 2024
Of all the promises a label can make, the one I find the most puzzling is “New and Improved.” It’s an interesting pairing of words. New should mean that the product is not the old product I’ve used before. So why would it need to be improved already? It’s easy to overlook the curious syntax if the product lives up to the label. But in a twist of logic, even if it doesn’t live up to the hype, the new thing can still be an improvement over the old thing. These marketing folks have all the angles worked out!
I recently purchased such a promise. It was a brand of protein powder I hadn’t tried before. My usual brand was out of stock. I figured this brand would be a good bet since it had, apparently, undergone extensive work. After sampling it once, I wondered how bad it was originally for this incarnation to be considered an improvement. Realizing that I had no point of reference for comparison, I was forced to admit that this formulation may very well be better. Then I had an epiphany: at least they’re trying! As we say in these parts, “God love ’em.”
With the new year approaching and giving product labeling way more thought than I should, it occurred to me that it would be hilarious if we labeled ourselves in the same way. This is the time of year when we start thinking about ways to improve ourselves after the confetti settles. The most popular resolutions involve fitness, stress, and money. Imagine walking around in March with a sticker on your chest announcing your improvements:
Contains Less Fat
Now with Less Credit Card Debt
More Smiling, Fewer Complaints
It’d be both entertaining and informative. And just like the sticker on a tub of protein powder, people would have to take you at your word that you put in the work even if they don’t perceive it. It would make riding the bus and waiting in line at the coffee shop a lot more interesting. Making friends with similar interests would be easier. Small talk about the weather would probably disappear. Imagine if we could see and accept each other as the works in progress that we really are. Now that actually sounds like society would be both new and improved.
Feel free to share in the comments what your sticker will say in March or what stickers you’d like to see.
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